when fear conquers courage

Last night I had the opportunity to see a friend I hadn't seen in about 10 years. We attended Governors School together, but we weren't crazy close. She has been working on a new album with her band, become a model, done countless commercials, a few appearances in television shows, she's something else. She is in visiting from London. I was super pumped to see her! I spent a LONG time getting ready. Something I don't normally do. I was ready to go and went into the kitchen to get Justin. We were getting ready to walk out the door and I went back to the bedroom, changed, and picked up Joseph to leave. Justin seemed confused as to why we were taking Joseph with us when my  mom so graciously said that she would watch him for us.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk into that place feeling the way I did. Even though in school I was a bigger girl. I wasn't as big as I am now. I had a baby. I didn't work on losing the extra weight that I had put on. I was completely body shaming myself. Standing in my bedroom, hair done, make up done, dressed up. I changed to my favorite yoga pants and oversized t-shirt, threw my hair up in a bun, and got a swear shirt. Comfortable.

I was ashamed that I had allowed myself to get to this point again. I spent a whole year losing weight and just like that, poof. I mean, I did have a baby, but in my mind that's no excuse. I didn't breast feed, again I don't feel like thats an excuse. Here I stood in my bedroom, completely broken. All because of what? Because I was ashamed of what I had become.

I felt like the girl back in High School all over again. 10 years later. I became silent, which made my husband nervous. Anytime I'm just locked in my head isn't a good time. So this morning I got up and looked up some scriptures to help. I came across this:

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes ahold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

In all situations, I tend to over analyze it. I jump to conclusions and in my older age my anxiety takes over. It's a wonderful vicious cycle. As I'm sitting in my chair, RIGHT NOW, I just envision the little girl inside myself grabbing God's hand and walking through any obstacle with Him at my right side. He knows my struggles and my problems. He created me. Of course he knows what I deal with. So, today we walk hand in hand. On the track. Where I start over again trying to find myself. Again.