Abandoned.

 A word that could describe the majority of my life. There is nothing simple about that feeling. Here is the worst part of it. When you feel something and someone makes you feel like your feelings are invalid or wrong. Let me clarify. 

At work, the kids will come to me with some of the silliest things. Of course they are kids but one things I've been learning is that we have to make sure they know that they are heard. Even if it seems silly. Their feelings are real and they can get hurt VERY easily. That's something that I didn't realize until recently. My feelings of abandonment weren't intentionally caused by any one person. It was my perception of the circumstances around me.

A childhood circumstance caused me to feel (in my teenage years) that I wasn't good enough or valued enough for anyone. Instead of attaching to anyone I had lots of friends. Then when they would get to close, I would push them away. As the feeling of abandonment grew, my ability to shut people out became second nature. As I was a dumb teenager, I pushed so many away until I finally allowed someone to get close. We got engaged. Then I met his fiancé, who I thought was myself. 

I shut everyone out and moved to Texas for 6 months until I was shut out. The fault was my own. I became a repeat offender of pushing people away and hurting them so I wouldn't get hurt. I hurt my Heavenly Father over and over and over again. And YET.... He still loved me. He never left.

A long time ago I heard someone explain it this way and I love it to this day.

God chooses us. He wants us. He ADOPTS us. We are created by Him for HIS purpose and plan. When an adoption takes place it is a legally binding contact. Once it is signed it legally cannot be reversed. We become his child when we are saved. And the beauty of this, is He will never leave us or forsake us. His word promises us that. 

See Deut. 31:8.

The Lord goes before us and He will not leave us. The matter of abandonment isn't something I worry about with God. I've always told people that people will fail us. We will get hurt by them. We just have to accept it. But God is constant. He is always there. If anything, we walk away from Him. He's just sitting there waiting on us. 

If anyone reading this struggles with the fear of abandonment, know that you are not alone. I still struggle with thinking that the worst is going to happen. And I plan for it most days. It's a very dark road. Just know this. 

God sticks closer than a brother. Closer than a best friend. He fills that void of hurt, hatred, and self doubt. He has a plan for your life. He has great things for you. FOR YOU! I don't know any way to better say it than this. I hurt others so I don't get hurt. And God hasn't left. He's been constant for 34 years, and I don't see Him doing it..... ever. He loves us so much that He sent His son for us to be saved. As a mom I can't say that I could do that. 

You are not alone. And you never have to be.