LIVE.LIVE.LIVE

Last year in October my Uncle got to see his parents and brother in heaven. I mentioned to my husband that I wanted his pipe to make a shadow box. At Christmas with his family, I fought for the lures that are hanging beside it in the picture above. To the right is a picture with country rules. To the left is a picture of my Aunts, Uncles, and my mom. The last picture taken before my first Uncle passed away. Enough sap for a minute. I want to explain to you why this wall hanging means more than anyone will ever know. Well, until you read this blog.

In January, I was listening to the sermon that Pastor Furtick called 'Hello from the other side.' Life changing in more than one way. After listening to it, I was determined that I was going to put my foot down on my biggest issue and said "I'm over it." I wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to heal from my HUGE flaw and begin working on being a better mother for Joseph and wife for Justin. My flaw? Insecurity.

I tend to be very self conscious. I have always been someone to self seek validation from other people. Not that I needed it, I just felt like I wasn't good enough if I didn't have it from others. This caused a lot of issues in my marriage. Right after this sermon, God started to work on some of my sin and told me that I had to tell my husband some things that I had done that I felt badly for. Don't get over excited. I don't have another child in another state from my past or anything. 

I instantly said, No. I won't do it. Because I figured that he would leave. I tend to be over dramatic (If you didn't know) and fought God for 3 months. Every day for 3 months, He sent me a sign. I saw a Hawk on my way to work daily or near my house if I looked outside. I have a few ways that God shows me that it was going to be alright and that's one of them. I didn't believe or trust him. A thousand times I had figured out what would happen with Joseph if we were to split. I had decided what to do as far as the cars and the house. I was basically giving myself the worst case scenario because I felt like that's what I deserved. (Debbie Downer right here.)

Finally, I ended up talking to him about it and he told me he wasn't leaving. I was relieved, but floored. I had talked myself up that he was going to say goodbye, take his things, and run. To my surprise my husband forgave me and stayed. Something I didn't deserve and still don't. I have had the hardest time accepting his forgiveness and even though I know that he loves me. I made a mountain out of a molehill. And Satan continued to trip me up. He fights me and tells me that he is going to do something in retaliation just to get me back for hurting him. 

When I walked into my living room yesterday to find that sign, it showed me that my husband not only listens to me but loves me. I don't deserve how amazing he treats me. The sign say speak life. Another lesson in itself. My Uncle had taught me a lot in his life, but the biggest was to live. He was fishing on the day he passed. He was always doing things he wanted to do. Even to the point where a doctor would tell him that for his health he needed to give up smoking a pipe. He never did. He taught me a lot about faith. He talked with me often about scripture. Not only did he teach me to live but to LIVE. Live the life set out by Christ for me. 

My Uncle adored my husband. They both shared a love for fishing and hunting. It breaks my heart that he didn't get to meet Joseph or go hunting or fishing with Justin. But he left a mark on my life. Live. With that, I know that in my marriage I have to LIVE. Accept the fact that I messed up and I feel short of "Proverbs 31" standards. I have to keep living. Choose daily, when I wake up that I will live that day to the fullest. Speak life over my situations. That's the hardest for me. I'm pretty pessimistic and not optimistic. (Confusing, I know)

I use my bubbly personality to over compensate for my pessimistic personality. Every day is a new day. Every day I have to LIVE in the moment and do everything that I can to become a better wife, mother, and daughter. I wanted to share this with you, not to put my husband on a high throne, but to show you that I am human. I screw up, DAILY. I'm no better than the next person. I just want you to have a moment where I say, "ME TOO". I mess up. I fall short. I'm unworthy. I'm not enough. AND I am (Un)qualified. But God still loves me and accepts me at the end of the day. And now I know that so does my husband.