I forgot how to dream

Every year in January as you are writing your new years resolutions I am writing my year plan. A year plan? Let me enlighten you. My old Pastor takes one Sunday and dedicates it to writing a year plan. My friend, who still attends the church, had one of the hand outs from the sermon and I eagerly grabbed it and dived in reading. Page after page I read awaiting for the moment that I could fill in my goals in the area's of Spirituality, Phisically, Family, Career/Buisness, Financially, Contribution, Character, Education, and Experience and ROAD BLOCK!!!!

I was very confused because I had already worked on part of the area's in December as we approached the new year. This year there was an element at the beginning that I had never seen before. Does that mean he had never covered it, No? It means that my brain automatically filled out the 9 area's and never really thought about the overall question that I really should be able to answer easily.

What are your deepest desires? What makes you happy? If you could do anything, what would it be? A simple question and I was stumped. Here it is 3 days later and I'm not further in my goals than I was then. This past year my biggest dream had come to life from when I turned 16. I wanted to have a family. Here I sit in the living room with my 4 month old son sleeping in his bouncer and I wonder how could I ask for more. I got in God's face about this and asked him how someone like myself could forget how to dream.

After some time in thought I came to some conclusion. I have spent so much time in the world I had placed limitations on God. I could sit here and say that all my dreams had come true when I had Joseph, but that would be a lie. I had dreams. I had goals. I'm not saying that Joseph changed those because EVERY mother will be able to tell you that their dreams were enhanced the day their child came into the world. I want to do better for him. I had thought through some of the things I had dreamed about when I was younger and took a good look at them.

I started saying, "Oh, that's not relevant anymore. Oh yeah that can go. That's not gonna happen. There is no way that's going to happen. Why was I so stupid thinking that I could do something like that." I put God in a box. Why would I believe that God couldn't make all those things happen for me again.

Over time, I have experienced failure in my life. I have fallen short in MANY area's but I know that God is a graceful God. I know that my "dreams" could be ignited again. The question is, Do I really want them anymore? Do I still have the amount of faith in myself I did at 16? I don't. I can't be honest with myself about what I want to do because fear controls my life. Fear of what might happen. Fear of my past. That instantly killed the next question, what makes me happy?

I had no idea. If I could do anything, what would I do? I instantly shut down. It's okay, I'll just be content in my life. I'll settle for the things I have because I am overly blessed. I have accomplished so much. I can't ask for more. But why? Why would I keep thinking that? Why would I put limitations on my own happiness.

This isn't a cry for help or desperate boo hoo on me. This is me being raw and honest with you. What are my deepest desires? I honestly have no idea. It's going to take me a while to figure that out. I'm going to try to change my thoughts on settling for what I have and never climbing to another level. It's been 3 days. 3 DAYS! And yet, I'm still on the first question because I forgot how to dream.

I forgot how to dream without limitations. I forgot to dream without a worldly pair of sunglasses on. I forgot how to look at the situation as the glass half full instead of half empty. I don't know what my dreams are going to become for the year or in the long hull. I can just hope that I'm able to figure it out before I go completely bonkers!!!